11
Aug
09

Down, down, down…

Yep, I’m having a bit of a down spell.. down as in feeling a bit blah about things. I dunno, I guess I’ve come to a few realizations, that are:

  • I’m definitely not gonna get the guy I want to be with.
  • I feel I will have to take a bullshit job because the job market really is that bad.
  • None of my documentary subjects are willing to be filmed. So that is dead in the water.

I mean, i’m not whining, I’m just stating facts! This is a time of realization as well as a down on the rollercoaster of life.

I wonder how long it’s gonna be til there’s an up. I really feel like Denzel Washington in Malcolm X when he’s walking down the street in a daze, cuz he knows that bad times are ahead. (I tried to find that clip, but I couldn’t.)

To be honest, I think the thing that is bumming me out the most is the guy that I won’t get to be with. I don’t believe he sees me in the way I wish to be seen, and that is as more than a friend or even acquaintance. A person’s self-esteem can only endure so much rejection before it begins to crumble. And I am beginning to see cracks in mine.  People tell me I’m pretty, intelligent, dynamic, engaging and overall a great person. But it really is hard to keep believing that when every object that has garnered my affections doesn’t reciprocate the feeling in return.

Now I may be shooting myself in my own foot because I haven’t exactly told him how I feel in person yet. But it’s not like he’s shooting sparks at me to let me know he’s interested. I once heard someone say “If a guy likes you, you’ll know.” Is that really true? Are guys usually that cut and dry?? I mean, I’ve been long out of the dating world- 4 yr relationship to 2 year relationship to another 2 year relationship to not dating at all for almost 2 years, and here I am in present day. I feel like I have to learn all the rules again! Are there even rules?? I’m still very old fashioned. And very picky, even in who I choose to give my # to. Only if I have a bonafide interest in someone do they even get my #.

It’s like shoe shopping. Most people go to the shoe shop and try on a ton of shoes for fit, comfort, stability. Not me. I research extensively before I even go to the shoe shop. I want to know exactly what style, what fit I can expect, and how much it will cost even before I put it on my foot. I’m a thinker.. a planner. I like to know everything there is to know about something before I put my time and effort into it. That is why I hate dating so much. I don’t want to get all dressed up and go out with someone if they don’t meet any of my expectations.

In a sense, I guess the people that I show interest in should feel somewhat lucky they’ve passed the screening phase, LOL *rolls eyes*

I dunno… I feel doomed. I feel like why should I get my hopes up when I know it’s going to end badly, like it always does.

Jesus, I’m turning into a Debbie Downer.

Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery.

What am I doing wrong? Am I really this bad at life??

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