Posts Tagged ‘reflection

09
Jul
11

critical mass.

Critical mass. That maximum density feeling. It’s where I’m at right now. For all the things I’ve accomplished, I never feel that sense of release. That “ahhhh” feeling, that mission accomplished, hi-five, so glad to be done feeling. I wonder if maybe it’s just me… that maybe I am so incredibly critical of myself and my actions that I am the one holding myself back from feeling that feeling of completion.

You’re probably wondering what I’m talking about. This may very well be the musings of a exhausted woman on a Saturday early morning… or maybe this is my Jerry Maguire-esque manifesto,lol. I’m brimming over with energy and ideas, but everyone requires balance. What… or even who will provide that for me? To quote one of my favorite songs… i’m bigger than my body. AYE ┬áJOHN MAYER! *wink* Bigger than my body in the sense that I am not living the life that is equal to my brilliance. Not one bit. I’m smart, intelligent, multi-faceted… I’ve got… gumption! Plus whatever other interview worthy words you want to throw in there. But I feel like there is a turning point of sorts just beyond my reach. That one event, or even person that will snap all the pieces into place. And then there will lie my release. God release sounds so dirty doesn’t it? When did that word get so tainted in my mind? Oh right… Let’s not even go there tonight.
Now that I really think about it, it’s partially the reason why I go to so many gigs. It’s a temporary way for me to let go. And my God, the Bon Iver show. I’m mentally preparing myself for the most cathartic event of my life. Justin Vernon understands the human condition far better most, and the concentration of the intensity of his music, his voice, his words, and the collective emotional outpouring of his band and a sold out crowd… I can’t even fathom. I’m prepared to cry like I’ve never cried before. I need a good cleansing cry at this point! I think back on all the cries I’ve had in my life, and the most fucked up part about it is that I think I cried more during the whole fuckedupness that happened between my ex and the dark period directly afterward than when my father died. Goddamnit that makes me feel so guilty. Hmm… it may sound strange to hear someone say they are looking forward to crying, but I can honestly say I am.

Hmph, what a debbie downer blog post, right? Meh, I should learn not to blog when I’m in such a shit mood… but eh, this blog has always been the place for my to dump my thoughts. No trip to London will ever change that fact!

For now, I’m slipping back into what I know best… music. Tonight’s selection- Joy Road by Lyman Woodard Organization. Always a favorite to chill out to.

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